Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (12-20)

I hope it flops. I hope for a lot of things to flop but like this is the most likely thing to ruin christmas for me so like. please flop.

Wonka

Opened December 15 As of writing, this movie hasn't come out yet, but I know I'm going to hate it. It's already so tired. It's what I would have called "safe (pejorative)" several Disney live-actions ago. It's probably still a safe bet from a studio executive's point of view, that's why it exists, but everything about the trailer is so tired. It feels 15 years old. This is, I guess, how I learn that Disney's live action gambit works. They're rehabilitating Wonka's image like Disney did with their Jungle Cruise. We've GOT to make the oompa-loompas not racist or ableist anymore. Why do we need them at all? Like what are the oompa-loompas doing that's so vital? What is the fucking willy wonka IP doing?? I just hate this! I hate this so much! We've been trying to sanitize Charlie and the Chocolate Factory since the book was still being written. We put pure imagination through the Epic Orchestral Arrangement machine guys come see our movie so you can say "the oompa-loompas aren't offensive anymore!" please stop saying the oompa-loompas are offensive they're not little people and they're not slaves so stop saying they're offensive mr Wonka runs a respectable candy business empire WHY ARE WE DOING THIS WHY ARE WE DOING THIS THE WHOLE THING WITH THE ORIGINAL THAT MADE IT SO MEMORABLE WAS THE CANDY MAN BEING A WILDCARD PIECE OF SHIT COME ONNNNNNN and like. timmy looks right for the role but he does NOT serve cunt like Gene Wilder Ok i do think its a funny bit they show in the trailer⁠— there's a guy who gags every time someone says "poor" but you just KNOW this isn't going to be effective satire of the rich. Its going to be toothless. I bet it isn't even going to manifest ONE niche fetish

update. I heard this movie was better than we all expected and does actually show some class struggle (fuck landlords etc). Whatever. Not important. This was "I didn't know it was going to be a musical" number one. We're in an era now. I'm not the first to point this out but I did notice it.

Napoleon

Opened November 22The Joker??? And they collabbed with Evony: The King's Return? huh??? Shrug. Looks alright. Grandmother said she hated it because, quote, "the real napoleon had rizz" and i really just didn't have the heart to explain exactly why a mopey pathetic man who nevertheless holds power can pull. also. why is this movie so dull and blue. we need to take color grading away from hollywood for a bit.

Wish

Opened November 22I hear that the villain song lacks... cuntenserven. And it seems that, in proper Bob fashion, they have contrived some things in this movie to... make it like... a Cinematic Universe for Disney's flagship animated films. which is a shame. kingdom hearts is already here. That said, though, it looks beautiful still, and I don't believe that the aforementioned setup is a focus of the movie. So.

The Hunger Games: A Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes

Opened November 17 I have kind of a soft spot for The Hunger Games. Broadly credited with starting the dystopian YA, but unlike any others in the subgenre, it actually had some spine and thoughtful worldbuilding, and the movies were pretty thoughtful in their costume and set design like that. And the soundtrack. I'm a big sucker for diagetic music, and hanging tree actually sounds like a folk protest song. That said. Well, I haven't read this prequel, nor have I closely watched any of the films. I also hear one of the Screenvision media interviews talking about trying very hard to make Snow sympathetic. I have closely watched the Star Wars prequels, and read Dune, so like, I can see the vision for a slow burn telling of a man's rise to power. It gives me some kind of feeling. Idk. Actor who plays him is nice looking. I might actually see it.

The Marvels

Opened November 10 Pre-release note: "I'm manifesting failure for this." Not to brag, but, I did in fact manifest failure for this. There's kitty meowmeows in it though. I know they're important to the plot, I think, but I don't know how.

Five Nights at Freddy's

Opened 10-27.Wildcard of a movie. Adult guests coming to see it who had never heard of the game. Kids of the internet generation coming with all their plushies. "It's gonna be big" vs "It's not gonna be that big" from my managers. Promotional pizza boxes (admittedly a very cute marketing thing), which allegedly are selling for like $25 a box while. They're getting used and thrown away by guests, while a bartender was yelled at for handing one unused to a guest for free. Middling crowds during the day, but opening nights saw theaters downstairs sell out to the point that they allowed children in the 21+ section. It's also on peacock. There's also pirate links. Knowing what I do about Scott Cawthon… well. Yo ho ho.

Killers of the Flower Moon

Opened October 20. People (mostly my coworkers) keep telling me, bold faced, "I've seen the trailer but like i have NO IDEA what the fuck this movie is about?" The phrase "media literacy" has been worn to tatters by fandom discourse so it was nice to get a reminder of what media illiteracy really looks like. Guys its about an Osage family's conflict with white settlers. Just because the plot from what you see in the trailer isn't as clear as "The Avengers have to stop Thanos!" doesn't mean you don't know what it's about. Anyways, there are many people out here with intelligent things to say about an intelligently made film. I'm just here to tell the people where to sit. (it does look good though)

Taylor Swift: The ERAS tour

Opened October 13.Mixed feelings. I'm more of a Carly Rae Jepsen guy, but I'd be lying if I said Swift had never impacted me. Her debut album hit when I was 7 and my mom was tuned into the country station on the radio. Love Story, Trouble, and Shake it Off were staples of both the school dance and the PE lap runs.
That's about where my interest ends, though. "You Need To Calm Down" makes me seethe. "Beautiful Ghosts", the oscarbait song she wrote for CATS(2019) (conspicuously absent from the ERAS tour along with "Macavity", which she actually sang, and as far as I know any mention whatsoever of CATS), is one of the gravest insults of the film (which i have seen several times and gleefully present to others). Gaylors exist; this isn't Ms. Swift's fault in the slightest but nevertheless leaves me concerned with another source of concern for the queer communities in my sphere of awareness.
Even with my distaste, though, for contemporary Swift, I can't bring myself to be as sour about this as I am for, say, Marvel movies, or Top Gun. I'm not one to hate on communal enjoyment of music in general. I love it. I love it dearly. Everyone deserves to experience it. I found myself singing along to some of those middle school gymnasium staples, despite it all. And for their part, the Swifties have been generally pleasant. One of them gave me a bracelet. They're all very excited, they range greatly in age (shoutout to the old gentleman seeing it in an empty theater Friday afternoon! I could kiss you), they're singing along- that's all wonderful!
If anything about working the ERAS tour has soured me on Swifties, it's been the mess they've left behind. Trampled popcorn from kids who've been dancing, spilled food, spilled drink, ordering lots of alcoholic drinks in general- seriously, you paid $30 for the ticket already, have some class and sneak in a flask of vodka in your breast pocket and just pour it in your pink lemonade every so often. But really, most of this is just a symptom of our business model up here being... Encouraging people to buy overpriced food that they don't eat because they're focused on the movie (and because it's often not very good), or because the plate of chicken tenders and fries that an unsuspecting family orders for each of the three kids is larger than most adults would eat (and the chicken's not even seasoned at all)- it's wasteful and messy and our theaters are not laid out for it.
All that rambling having been rambled. I don't want to hear "Cruel Summer" ever again (one of the opening songs of the concert, meaning I've heard it many times while making deliveries). But I will, because it's on the preset playlist for our stereo upstairs. Hell. Hell! Cruelty!! It's not even summer anymore. You can't do this to me. You can't do this to me...

Saw X

Released concurrently with Paw Patrol.

Paw Patrol: The Mighty Movie

A small nightmare. We had 21+ showings scheduled after 4 pm. Apart from that ⁠— Children unable to sit still through 90 minutes of movie, under the supervision of adults who need at least two drinks to sit through 90 minutes of movie with their small children. Overpriced trays of chicken tenders and fries too big for many adults to eat: ordered for each small child, with an overpriced 32oz soda- sugary and most likely caffeinated. Short movie, too, which means more showings to deal with and shorter break windows, if they exist at all.

A Haunting in Venice

They marketed this adaptation of an Agatha Christie story like a horror movie and released it during horror season. I think the only time I could have seen more people walking out of a movie prematurely would have been if I'd worked CATS (2019). Maybe Morbius (2021), if people had come to see it at all.

Gran Turismo

Much bigger crowds than I expected. Unremarkable.

TMNT: Mutant Mayhem

It was on the shirt of FFXIV producer Naoki Yoshida. I don't actually remember if it was upstairs, but I remember the trailer.

Haunted Mansion

This must have been upstairs because The Rat requires us to put their releases in Our Theaters Most Profitable, but I think I was down with COVID through that entire period.

Oppenheimer

I love when movies are long.

Barbie

This was her summer and I was just living in it.

Sound of Freedom

I... do not like it we have fundie shit in the theater. That said, I don't remember there being high turnout for this, at least not upstairs. I think it was upstairs? I don't remember.

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse

High turnout, as expected and deserved.

Transformers: Rise of the Beasts

My exposure to transformers is solely via osmosis. I asked my friends who I should draw for the chalkboard. I drew Cheetor. Meow :3

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

Just fine as a movie, but I got to experience the emotion that i get from Harrison Ford a number of times each day. Listen. Indiana Jones transed my gender and made me gay. The movie wasn't super busy. It was a high point of my summer.

Fast X

Existed. Had a turnout. I'm sure I saw a decent amount of it while making deliveries but cant tell you dick about it. fast ? furious? I can't even tell you that.

The Little Mermaid

Lots of excited kids. Lots of parents ignoring the 4PM rule. My opinion on Disney's remakes is still very cynical, but the enthusiasm seen for this title was heartening.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3

I'm emotionally bonded to Rocket after how many times I've seen the opening to this movie. I mean, I already loved Rocket anyways.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

Yo we're the mario brothers and plumbin's our game // we're not like the others who get all the fame // if your sink is in trouble you can call us on the double // forget about the others you'll be HOOKED on the Brothers. // UH!

Renfield

Could have been gayer, but it was fun as hell.

Evil Dead Rise

I drew Ash Williams on the chalkboard for this. A fine start to my "Drawing half-shirtless men for work" era.

Shazam! Fury of the Gods

what was this movie? why was this movie? There was a decent turnout opening weekend, which raises even more questions in my mind, but I don't even want them answered. I'm deeply interested in not giving a shit about this movie.

John Wick, Chapter 4

I saw this movie a lot during my breaks at work. Stylish action. Pretty cool.

Dungeons & Dragons

Wins the prize for coolest goodies. Cloth map of Faerun was the highlight (I snagged a few for myself, lmao), and three different posters- one in a comic book style, one in the contemporary D&D painterly style, and one in the original AD&D illustration style. They ran a little short of a dragon brushing up against and burning down the screen before trailers which was so fun.

Creed III

A film which taught me a valuable lesson: I should expect anything from a series I've never heard of to do well.

Cocaine Bear

One person coming to see this movie had a sweater on with the print "I ♡ HOT DADS." He informed me I could get it at Spencer's. I would buy a shirt with the same print some time later while out hunting for things to stick in my newly-healed navel piercing.

Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania

why was this movie so big are we not done with marvel

Knock at the Cabin

Gay men as leads. Features "Long Train Running" at one point.

Infinity Pool

A rare movie with a theatrical release in which 1. a man cums; and 2.you can see the cum. I did in fact see the cum while watching a bit of it on break. I didn't see much of the rest.

A Man Called Otto

A guest fell asleep during this movie and snored loudly enough that other guests complained. She fell asleep again after being awoken. This isn't really on the movie, I only heard nice words about it. Also not on the guest for her sleep apnea. This is just the only story I have about it.

Avatar: The Way of Water

White guys with dreads count: at least 2. Impressed with the commitment to Papyrus as the subtitle font. There's a scene in the first act which is a video log from the late bad guy of the first movie, speaking to his avatar backup. There's a point where he says "you can't beat a marine. You can kill 'em, but they'll just regroup in hell." and a guy in the background of the video log doing something else just turns his head to say "hoo-rah." it doesn't focus on him of course. it's a background gag and it's my favorite scene in the movie. I've probably seen it enough times to equal if not exceed the movie's runtime. Hoo-rah.
Also, I 9-5'd on Christmas Day because of this movie. Fuck this movie.